be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
