I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
where are you?
Hypothermia
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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