She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
