doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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