Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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