I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
