Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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