Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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