Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
