It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
