I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
