you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
