He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
