Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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