Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
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I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
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As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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