I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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