you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
