I feel like I'm in dance class right now
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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