Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
