Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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