Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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