You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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