Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
