I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
