Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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