I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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