My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
