You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
