Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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