I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
