Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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