lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
