She is in my trunk
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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