someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
