based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
