you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Drake has all the answers
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
