we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
