Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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