Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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