i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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