just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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