i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I wish you could order shots online.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
