next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
