I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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