Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
