I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
