she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
