Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
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Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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