this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
