i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
