that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
