she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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