oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh god it's open bar.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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