I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
