You work out of a Hotel?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
