you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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