I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
