he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
