just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
