Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
